I've Got Apples!
by EvilKevin
Summary: While Light is discussing the Kira case, he leaves a very bored Misa in her room alone. She gets drunk. Ryuk is there. Things happen. RyukMisa, OOC to the extreme, suggestive themes. Oneshot.


Misa Amane sat on her bed, bored out of her mind. She wondered when her beloved Light-kun would get out of one of those dreadful meetings with the Japanese investigation team and pay more attention to _her_. Misa picked up one of the books Light had bought her. "Harry Plotter and the Poisoner of Azinahan," she said to herself. It sounded promising. She began reading the book. "…What?" she said to herself again, "What does… **propped** mean? I've never heard that word before!" Apparently, being incredibly pretty comes with the curse of being incredibly stupid. Misa ran out of the bedroom and went into the room where everyone was discussing the Kira case. 

"I believe that Kira must…" L began to say, but he stopped in mid-sentence.

"LIGHT-KUUUUUN!!!" Misa screamed as she ran over to Light and threw herself in his arms.

"Misa…?" Light asked.

"Misa-Misa was reading Harry Popper and the Poser of Azarigiharanahan… and she came across this weird word… the word was propped! What does it mean, Light-kun?" There was silence for a few seconds, then members of the investigation team began to laugh and whisper. Matsuda had turned a bright red color. L stared in horror. "What's wrong…?"

"Ummm… Misa… your… clothes," Light said, embarrassed. Misa looked down and saw that she had on skimpy, black lingerie.

"Oh NO!" she cried, "I'm so sorry! Will you please forgive me, Light??"

"Uh… yeah… just come with me," Light said, standing up. He walked over and entered Misa's room. She obediently followed, like a small dog.

"Are we going to make out now?" Misa asked, grinning from ear-to-ear.

"…What? No…! Misa, _PLEASE_ just stay in your room," Light said. He sounded slightly agitated. Misa nodded obediently. "Okay then… I'm going back to the Kira case… behave yourself."

"Wait…! Light…!" Before Misa could go any further, Light shut the door behind him.

Light soon returned to the discussion of Kira, though he was blushing slightly due to the fact that he was quite flustered.

"You are a lucky man, Light. It's a shame that you don't spend more time with Misa-Misa. If I was in your place I would spend all my time…" Matsuda said, but Aizawa cut him off before he could embarrass himself any further.

"Quiet, fool!" Aizawa said harshly.

"Hmm…" L muttered, staring at the carpet below them. In extreme shame and embarrassment, Light hid his face in his hands.

* * *

Misa lay on her bed as she tried to fall asleep, but she failed at doing so. She had nothing to do. The only thing in her room that could have provided her any entertainment was the stack of books Light had bought her, but she kept getting stuck on words such as promiscuous, angst, conform, and the ever-confusing verb, propped. This left a very bored superstar stuck in her room with nothing to do. Luckily, Misa kept something for this exact situation. She called it her "emergency wine stash." Misa got down on the floor and reached under her bed, grabbing a couple bottles of expensive wine. She poured the alcoholic substance in glass after glass and before long, Misa had downed the first bottle of wine. It was going to be an interesting night.

Two bottles and about fifteen minutes later, Misa had gotten herself into a drunken stupor. She didn't take alcohol well. After giggling non-stop for about five minutes, Misa realized that Light was still in his meeting. She clumsily made her way out of her room for the second time that day.

"Heyyyy… sexxxyy…" Misa slurred, falling onto Light. She had once again interrupted their discussion of Kira. Her hands pressed against his chest.

"Misa…?! What are you doing…?!" Light began to say.

"Shhhh… we should have sex… nowwww. Wouldn'tttt that be soooo hottt? In front of everyone…?" Misa's hand snaked down Light's body and found its way under his pants.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he screamed. The investigation team stared in a mixture of shock and discomfort at the very drunk Misa and the very humiliated Light. "I smell WINE on you, Misa!! Have you been drinking?!"

"Jusssa… jussa little bit, babyyy…"

"Come on…!" he said, obviously irritated. When Misa didn't move, Light grabbed her arm and dragged her to her room.

"OWWW!!" she cried, "I…I'm filing for spousal abusssssssssseeeeee!"

Light turned to Ryuk and said in a low voice, "Watch over her from time to time." Ryuk nodded in response.

As Light returned to the investigation team, he was met with silence. Not even Matsuda would utter any words.

* * *

As Ryuk hovered in the corner of Misa's bedroom, he discovered that watching her read out loud while drunk was much more entertaining than the Kira investigation.

"It wass nurly midearth," she slurred, "aaannndduh his wasp lying bed on his stumucha." She looked up from her book. "Ohhh, heyy thurrr, Ryooook!"

"Hello… Misa…" he said reluctantly.

"Heyyy… I've guut some questions for ya!"

"Alright…"

"Are shinigummi allowed to have gurlllllfriends…?"

"Um… I dunno… I've never really… no one has really…"

"Do you have a peeenis??" she questioned, giggling.

"Ummm… uh… well… I am a… male… and… all…"

"How big is ittttt?"

"I… really don't think that… I should answer that… question…" A visible blush began to appear on Ryuk's face.

"DO YOU MASTURBATEEEEE?!" she interrogated further. This question sent her into a fit of laughter.

"Well… I mean… everyone… er… I mean no!"

"Hahahah!!! YOU DOOOO MASTURBATE!!" Misa ran out the door and into the room where the Kira case was being discussed. "RYOOOK MASTURBATESSS! RYOOOK MASTURBATEEES!" she chanted while skipping around the room.

"MISA!" Light screeched. Once again, he shoved her back in the bedroom.

"Who's Ryuk?" Matsuda asked, his eyes glittering in interest.

"He's… a friend of Misa," Light lied.

"I'd be masturbating too if I was a friend of Misa," Matsuda muttered.

"Do you not have any shame??!" Aizawa yelled.

"Will these discussions ever return to normal…?" L asked.

"Soooo, Ryooook… have you ever haadddd…. SEXXXXX?" Misa asked.

Ryuk was hesitant to even say anything to the drunken girl. "Uhm… that's none of your… business!"

"OooOoooh! So you HAAAVE had sex!"

"No! I mean… well…!"

"Who was it wiiiiiiith?" she persisted.

"It's none of your business...!"

"Wassss ittt… REMMMM?!"

"Ahh! Ew! Never…"

"Ryuk had sex with Rem! Ryuk had sex with Rem! Ryuk and Rem, sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g!"

"I'M A VIRGIN!!" he yelled after a long period of humiliation.

"Wullllll… I can change thattt!"

"What?! Me? You? SEX!?! No…!"

"You know you want toooo… I'm _irresistible_." The way she said that word drove Ryuk crazy. He mentally smacked himself for even being a little bit attracted to her.

"No!!"

"Come on… yourrrr macho man-meattt in my searing hot tunnel of passionate orgasmic love… you knowww you'll love ittt!"

"I do NOT want to have sex with you!"

"Realllyyyy? Cuz tha bulge in yer pants tells me otherwise."

Ryuk looked down and then covered his crotch with his hands. His face turned a dark red color. Misa suddenly got down on her knees and began to search for something under her bed, her rear-end sticking up in the air all the while. This did not help Ryuk's erection die down at all. Misa crawled on the bed while she concealed something in her hand. She spread her legs in a seductive pose.

"I've got apples," Misa said, holding up a single red apple in her hand.

That was it. Ryuk was as good as seduced by the young woman. A million and one questions spun around in his mind. Wouldn't he die from loving a human? He thought of it this way: sex does not equal love. Sex equals lust. Lust does not equal love. It was like some adult math equation.

"Let's do it," he said. Ryuk then removed his clothes and dove on top of Misa doing things I don't want to describe in this story.

* * *

Two hours and five orgasms later, the unlikely couple fell against the bed, on the verge of passing out. "That was… incredible," said a breathless Ryuk.

"That wassss daaa best I've everrr hadd," Misa slurred.

"Hey, what's going on in HEEEE-REEEE-EEE…?!" Light said, surprised by seeing the two together in bed… naked.

"Um… I can explain…" Ryuk began.

"Hey babbbbbyyyy!" Misa cried, "Are we gonnah have a threesome now…?"

"RYUK! MISA! WHAAAAT?!" Light screamed.

"What?!" Matsuda cried, running into the room, "Misa's friend, Ryuk had sex with Misa…? AND SHE'S NAKED IN BED?!" Matsuda was like the paparazzi, snapping hundreds of pictures of the very drunk and very nude Misa that he would no doubt be checking out once he got home. "I… gotta go to the bathroom!" Or right now in the bathroom.

"What the hell, Ryuk?!" Light asked.

"Well… SHE HAD APPLES! You know as well I do that I can't resist them!" Ryuk argued.

"What is wrong with you people?!" Aizawa bellowed.

"This has been an eventful day," L pointed out.

"Heyyyy, Light babyyy, ya should get all yah friends and den we can have a big orgyyy!" Misa said.

"WHAT DID I HEAR ABOUT AN ORGY?!!" Matsuda shrieked, bounding into the room with his pants down. Luckily for everyone's eyes, his boxers remained around his hips.

"Nothing, Matsuda… you can go back to your jerking off," L said.

"Alright!" Matsuda ran back into the bathroom.

"What happened to the morals of the world? I swear…" Aizawa muttered.

"What happened to the normalcy of our meetings?" L questioned.

"Whatttt happened to mah wineee…?" Misa asked.

"What happened to 'no sex until marriage,' Misa?!" Light shouted.

"What happened to that orgy?" Matsuda inquired as he joined them once again, the zipper to his pants notably undone.

"What happened to my pants?!" Ryuk asked, searching on the ground for them.


End file.
